Sunday, August 21, 2011

Looking Back and Wondering

I am often mystified by people who say they have no regrets in life, as I've normally managed to regret at least one thing before I brush my teeth in the morning.

There's this song by Led Zeppelin, "Ten Years Gone", that speaks to a situation that I'm finding myself in at the moment.  The lyrics are absolutely beautiful, as is the melody itself.  The story behind the song goes something like this: there was a woman with whom Robert Plant, vocalist for Led Zeppelin, had a very serious relationship during his early years as a musician.  The two were by all accounts very much in love, but she felt that she was in second place to his musical career.  So there came a point at which she said "the music or me" and Plant chose music.  "Ten Years Gone" is a reflection on that choice.
Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be
I can't speak for Robert Plant (although I would absolutely love to simply speak with Robert Plant), but it seems that he felt, in the writing of this song, that he had made the right choice in pursuing his music.  But there's still that looking back.  There's still that longing.  There's still that lingering question of what could have been.

Man, can I relate to that.

I think about the churches in California and Oregon and Alabama and Tennessee and everywhere else I applied...  and I wonder what could have happened.

I think about all the friendships I've had, all the connections I've made with people, all the lives that have impacted mine...  and I wonder if I made a positive difference.

I generally try my best to avoid thinking about all the girls who have come into my life that wound up leaving it...  but I wind up tearing open old scars, revisiting my past heartbreak in sadistic attempts to answer questions that are miles beyond my scope.

Is this why Paul admonishes us to forget that which is behind and focus only on that which is ahead?  Is there anything good to be gained from looking back and asking those questions?

There were good reasons for me to come to Texas.  I still feel that I made the right choice in moving here, even though almost nothing has gone the way it was "supposed to."  Does that mean that I never look back to Tennessee and the people in it?  Goodness, no.

I wonder about the cost of discipleship.  I wonder if I'm paying it.  I wonder if I'm just making things harder on myself than they have to be.

I don't blame God for things not being the way I want them to be...  but I definitely do wonder why He didn't just do me a solid and rearrange the universe to suit my every whim, I'll tell you that much...

The biggest problem that I face in my ministry is one of basic reflection.  I constantly find myself in situations where I am having to tell people the last thing that I want to hear.

"Material things won't actually make you happy, you know..."  Oh, shut up, Aaron!  What do you know?  Material things are AWESOME!

"Being right isn't the most important thing in the world."  Balderdash!  Poppycock!  Rubbish!

"You don't have to be married with kids in order to live a meaningful life."  I WILL CUT OUT YOUR LYING TONGUE IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPEAK SUCH FILTH!

"What are you complaining about?  You are alive to see another day, you have food in your stomach, a bed to sleep on, and God loves you.  Is that somehow not enough?"  No!  It isn't!  I don't have every little minute thing I want!  The universe does not bend to my every whim!  I'm temporarily inconvenienced by the fact that I am not an eternal being and can't see what's coming down the pike!  I am not, at this moment, drowning in waves of ecstasy!  My life isn't going EXACTLY the way I want it to!

I wish I was still naive enough to believe my own bull.  I wish I could honestly claim the sense of entitlement that every bit of my selfishness wants.  But instead, my rational side prevails, and I'm realizing that sometimes I just have to put up with the stuff that I don't want.  I don't know why I'm fighting the fact that I won't always get what I want.  I don't know why I can't just accept that things are the way they are, whether I gave them permission to be that way or not.

I wish I had the strength of will to get RRR out of my head.  I wish I could give up and stay that way.  I wish I could be honest enough with myself to accept that some things are just completely beyond my power.  I wish I could focus on today.  I wish I could just let go of my life and trust God while I do my best to follow Him.  I wish I wasn't so angsty.  I wish I could just stop thinking about all the things I would say if I could say them, the things I would do if I could do them, the places I would go if I could go there...  I wish I could just learn to accept what I've got, not looking back, not wanting more, not trying to control it all...

I wish I could die to myself and live exclusively for Him.  THAT would be awesome.

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