His nickname was not given to him because of the bike he had as a child or his starring roles in Swedish adult movies, it was earned through the "pro-active" way he plays 5-a-side. To emulate the great man, you need to stand 1.5cm from the opposing team's goal area...and stay there, ready to strike like the mighty tortoise. Ignore the play going on in your half, and ignore your team mates' cries for help. You will know when the time to strike comes, it's when the ball hits your ankles. You can now either shoot for goal, dribble with superb close control around the defenders and shoot, or lose the ball to an opponent and hack at their shins so they go down quicker than a ten dollar hooker. If they are on the floor then you've done well young grasshopper. Raise your hands in a submissive, apologetic manner and return to your position.

It's no coincidence that this method has resulted in the highest average of goals and injuries per game.

Fig 1 - Shin pads alert!

There is a single word which forms the basis of The Mercurial Mr Revill's style of play, and that word is "topple". When you receive the ball, you should lean forward to the point at which you are about to fall over. It is then the magic will start to happen. In an attempt to stay upright, you run (as quickly as possible) into a gap somewhere on the pitch with the ball. Once you have reached this gap you look for another, and another, all the time taking the ball with you. It doesn't matter if the gap is backwards or forwards, towards the goal or away from it. After a suitable amount of time you will inevitably find yourself in front of the opposition's goal...now shoot. Around 80% of the time you will score as the goalkeeper will be dizzy from watching you. The other 20% of the time the ball will rebound off the goal or wall, if it does then "topple" towards it and start again.

If during the "topple" you can't see a gap to aim for, pass the ball to a team mate and have a rest.

Fig 2 - Where the hell is he going?

Not so much a style of play, more the style in which one should get injured. Mr O'Rourke has taken this skill to another level and demonstrates it at every opportunity. His speciality is dislocation of the shoulder which is a difficult injury to get in 5-a-side. To injure yourself the Daniel way, you need to pretend you're playing 5-a-side as normal. Score some goals (including "The Greatest Goal of All Time ™") but always look for the opportunity to twist, snap, knock or bash something. A good source of injury is to run straight into an opponent, this has potential for shoulder dislocation and knee damage.

It has been suggested that this method was created by Mr O'Rourke simply to satisfy his fetish for hospital crutches, and his fondness for A&E nurses.

Fig 3 - Ouch

As far as we can work out, the policy here is to try and knock down the ceiling radiators. You must at least pretend to be taking a shot though, you can't just hoof the ball skyward from anywhere! Once you have mastered this from the half-way line, gradually move closer to the opposition goal and see how close to the wall you can get with still hitting the ceiling. No rebounds though, straight up is the key...as always. The master has managed this from as close as 10ft.

Fig 4 - Ceiling